Mommy will be home soon my love

 

Last night as I lay in bed with Belle Fille in my arms, I felt a slight tug at my heart thinking that since the start of this semester, I haven’t spent as much time with her like when I was on summer vacation. It’s a complex feeling: I don’t feel guilty about going to college instead of staying home with her all day, but I wish I’d organized my time better so that she didn’t resent the change.

I’m not exactly worried about her (she’s as independent as ever) but I start to hesitate as I return to an image from the afternoon of her hitting her head on a window pane and crying out one word huddled in my arms: mommy, mommy, mommy. That’s all she said for a few minutes until she calmed down. Mommy, mommy. It broke my heart especially because I spent most of yesterday doing homework and felt pangs of regret. Was she calling out to me in this manner because she missed me too much? Did she feel upset because I didn’t spend time with her like she’s used to?

In fact, Belle Fille just started sleeping cradled in my arms a few weeks back. Before, she would say “move” if I held on to her for too long when we were going to sleep. Now it’s become routine for her to lay by my side with one of my arms around her for a little while before she eases out and stretches and sleeps. Is it because she’s grown more attached to me? Or is it because she needs me more now that she’s older. I don’t know.

The past week was that of adjusting back into university mode, so it’s been more of touch and go rather than planning out my time. But I’ve definitely got to get my stuff together ‘cuz it’s not just me, or even Hubby that I’ve got to consider, but my child, my sweet baby girl that I cherish and that is in my care. I am aware that time is short as I’ve seen her grow so quickly. I don’t want to waste my time, rather, I’ll consciously make most of the time I’ve got so that while still getting things done at school and at home, my family knows And Feels that they are the most important to me, what I most enjoy.

My beautiful Belle Fille. Mommy will be home soon my love.

The mind. The heart.

You know the emotional ferris wheel? Well, I'm not at the bottom, but I'm pretty darn close. I am seriously tired. Not physically, though I just took a nap a little while ago. I'm just sluggish, especially at school. I really wish the semester was over already. Don't get me wrong though, you know how much I love my major, but the superavit I had when the semester was starting is finished. I'm getting burnt out.

I know I'll feel better tomorrow, but these will still be my feelings overall. Also, this won't really matter. I know me. My mind and my heart are close, but not necessarily married. Call me stoic, but it's actually very usefull. I helps me get up every morning, tune my temper, overcome my frustrations, think long term.

My juggling has been lacking lately. All around. To me you know. I hope to those around me it hasn't been noticeable. I don't really doubt it though.

I had tutoring today, school mandatory. And it really helped me land a few things I had fluttering around my head. For example, I like to think ahead to try and prepare you know? And if I don't, at least it's a conscious decision so I can't blame anyone. Anyhow, she talked about how in my major it's really important to speacialize when you graduate. However, you make this decision when you're close to finishing and you've learned enough about the major and about yourself to choose what you want to study, what you want to do.

It's common that you enter college with a very "clear" idea of what you want to do, and you end up doing something totally different, in the same field at most. So I don't need to add that weight to my sack, and I should just chill out more you know?

I'll try and do that more, I tend to excell at it hoho. My hubby also recommended it and my mind is ready to execute.

So I'll just keep smiling and walking forward. My heart will follow.

The happy juggler

Hi there! I haven't written in a while, have I? Try and guess why... school! That's right, I've been in College for a month now, and I am so happy! I'm keeping it really light so I've only got a couple of classes, but you've no idea how much I enjoy them. The homework I could pass, but they're very interesting all in all. Learning about the foreign policy in Latin America and how Europe manages their business. Turns out I'm a bit rusty though, a few presentations haven't turned out as I would've liked, but I'm working on it. I also seemed to have forgotten the amount of reading my major involved but I'm back to reality now.

The first day back I sincerely felt like a newbie, not lost but a little nervous. When I got to my major's department there were only people I didn't know at all, and the person I was looking for was really busy so I had to wait a little bit. After a while, a known and friendly face finally appeared and I felt less awkward, until an inside joke made it's appearence and since I'd been gone for a while, I felt kinda left out.

Fortunetly, (or unfortunately, depends on your self esteem or hormones) the feeling wasn't anything new, so, though I felt a bit self-conscious, I reasoned that it wasn't necessarily intended to make me feel uncomfortable: I just haven't been around. Sure, they couldn've been more sensible towards me, but then again I was feeling a tad insecure before that already and probably took it the wrong way. I'm sure it wasn't badly meant.

Ok let's steer off those feelings a bit and continue to the big picture.

The point is I am glad to be studying again. Oh, and remember how I was a bit apprehensive about how this would affect my Belle Fille? I needn't have worried: she sleeps most of the morning, and she's such a darling she's no bother at all. Usually she's barely waking up by the time I come back from the university so that's really taken a load (no matter how imaginary) off my mind.

However, I've got to admit that besides school and my beautifull babe, I've got other responsabilities at home I haven't managed quite yet. For example, I'm way behind ironing and a few details of the sort, but, as a whole, I'm getting along acceptably. My hubby, my Amado, has been very supportive, as have been our relatives. In fact, we've been eating better than usual because my mother in law kindly helps us out with cooking a few times a week hoho :)

I've been tempted to lay off a few activities I was doing during my free time like studying japanese and french in order to get things done around the house, but they're so worth the time to me I don't want to abandon them. However, I've still got to do many other things. What to do? And so, tada! My handy, beautiful, black and white agenda saves the day! Besides practical it's pretty so I even enjoy taking it out to scribble homework assignments and stuff like "remember to do laundry". And once in a while, I get to write something like "dinner with Hubby at x restaurant, 8:00 pm" ;)

In a nutshell, I am so thankfull. Really. Everywhere, anywhere, no matter how I look at it, all I see are blessings. Thank you God, thank you so much!