To Stand Whilst Sitting Down

Yo! How’ve you been? I’ve been, you know been. Vacations have been on for a while now, and I’ve been lazing my head off, if I’m allowed to invent a word or two. Really, after a difficult semester it’s only fair. Also, I don’t have internet at my home right now, so when I do get internet access I do as most mortals do on such occasions… and head straight to Facebook to catch up on what my friends have been up to. Don’t you just love how FB has legitimized being nosy?

Anyhoo… as to my person, like absolutely everything else that exists in this world, changes these past few weeks have made their appearance. You too, but you know me I like to document consciousness. Does that sound weird? Sure hope not, I'm just a strong supporter of knowing oneself as I’ve mentioned several times before in my posts, and I try to live and write according to what I think. Whatevs…

These changes haven’t been physical, or personality, or behavior wise. They’ve been paradigm wise. Some of the more mentally and physically exhausting I’ve been through. Why? Because we all think we’re so clever and have everything figured out and have excuses for everything except for the mistakes or faults of others. But as for ourselves, we minimize  our errors, and justify like we majored in law. To voluntarily humble yourself, accept that you’re wrong and care enough to do something about it. That’s a tad hard. And that’s what I’ve been up to.

I dunno if you ‘ve noticed, but I like myself. With my good and bad qualities, my good and bad moments. I know I’m not a genious, nor a model, nor a saint but find contentment in knowing that I try hard each day to be better. Except when I become too comfortable and allow more… mediocreness (Hmmm, I sure hope that word's in the dictionary) that I usually would.
 
I knew I wasn't doing my best, but I didn’t care as much as I should’ve. It led to conflicts with Hubby, and reflecting upon this situation, I uprooted a few things about my character that I had to work on. Like thinking I’m so clever I don’t need advice on x or y. I take my own parameters and think they’re precise, and stop taking into account The Parameters that supposedly guide me, as well as Hubbys’ parameters, which can be very different from my own.

To compromise is not something I’m very good at, because I tend to give away or commit to more that I actually feel comfortable with, and I’m kinda stubborn. To illustrate this trait, I lean on the example of a child who is told to sit, and eventually forced to sit, but says “in my insides I’m actually standing up!” You get the idea.

Only sometimes you’re wrong, and you should be humble and sit down on the outside as well as on the inside where only you know what you’re thinking. And this is the lesson I recently learned. Or at least, I’m in the process of learning, because old habits, particularly mental habits, where everything we do or don’t do starts, die hard. I’ve tried to not draw it out nor blow it out of proportion, so I’m taking more preventive actions rather than damage control. But I’m glad I’m learning this now and not later when it’s harder to change.

Humbleness, I welcome you. Please stay!

Cracks on the sidewalk

I'm much, much better now. Feelings from the recent episode still linger in the air behind me, and though I could easily walk toward the direction of the wind as to leave the memory behind me, I'm not sure I want to. If at the time it happend I was suprised at its ocurring at all, I still haven't completely figured it out.

Though chameleon like to the world, I've always prided myself on knowing what was going on (at least consciously) inside of me. Whether I acted dumb or aware or not, whether I admited it to others outside myself or not, whether my reasons were real or imaginery, I knew. This time, however, I wholly did not, and that's what baffled me. I've been trying to make it out, without avail. The only reason that can explain this outburst is change.

Change is of course a constant in the world and in ourselves. Failure to take it into account can only result in error, as my case can ilustrate so well. I've changed. But to me, this goes a lot deeper. Because I don't think people change. I think people just show different sides of themselves to others depending on numerous factors and as to how well they know themselves. And only knowing oneself can one accept oneself.

I don't think my paradigm on life has changed, nor my priorities nor values. My actions will probably remain the same. This change is so deep yet so sutil, it'll be noticed like you notice the cracks on the sidewalk. But it'll be there, immutable. Just try and force the cracks on the cement back to their original form. You just can't.

A cracked sidewalk is still a sidewalk.

But would those new openings in the sidewalk have ever seen the light if the cement hadn't cracked? No. They would've remained hidden to everyone, even to the sidewalk itself. And yet again, no matter how many capricious formed cracks there are in the sidewalk, they all belong as a whole.

I lost my cool for a while the other day. I admit it. But is that part of me alien to me? Does it deserve to be rejected? No. And I will now abandon apologetics and rhetoric and metaphors and analogies and speak plainly.

That day, that part of me didn't need to be understood. It needed to be spoilt and embraced. I needed to be spoilt and embraced just because. Because I'm a person. With good and bad qualities, like you, like everyone. And I accept that. I accept that need that might be selfish and irrational, but it's still a part of me. And if I don't accept me and be nice to me, even when I don't "deserve it", then who the heck will?

I now walk forward but that Episode is no longer a shadow hovering around me, a stranger in my midst. It now wraps itself around me like a sweet comforting aroma, this new knowledge giving me a new dignity in the middle of all my imperfections.

Mindfulness Part II: The Iron and Me

Remember how a few weeks ago I wrote about mindfulness? Well today I have another thought to offer on the subject.

See, I got me a new crutch towards mindfulness. You know, as a tool. Turns out, my best shot at reflecting and drinking in experience and silence is, ta-da! An iron. 'Aint I a genius? ;)

Really though, I think It'll help me a lot in the future. As a wife, I have to invest some time in ironing every week and since only my hands are busy, and not my brain, I multitask. Sometimes I put on french lessons on a CD to listen to. Lately I've put on this japanese mini soap opera for practise. But today I really needed some time out to squeeze the most out of Belle Fille's nap. So I decided against anything that might interrupt the sound of peace (as in, none: silence) and prepared myself to be alone with my thoughts. Just me and no one else. Well, except for this other little voice in my head that might be my conscience. Hopefully.

Even though outside my head it was completely silent, inside the chit chat only stopped when I heard Belle Fille stirring in her room. A good two hours! Meanwhile I laughed to myself, gave an occasional snort of derision at some silliness and raised my eyebrows more than once to my insides. I tend to talk to myself a lot, but this time it was different. It was mindfull.

Usually I just let my mind wander, but this time I purposely led myself on from topic to topic in a fixed line. For me, a total scatterbrain, this is quite the accomplishment. I would have this thought and something slightly related but not at all in topic would pop into my head, and I would follow that thought until I realized I was digressing and forced my mind back into shape. This happend a couple of times, but all together I don't think I spent more than 15 minutes distracted.

I'm not sure if I'm kinesthetic but holding something physical like the iron really helped my focus. That, plus the lack of sound really gave me the momentum I needed to concentrate. It was like an anchor. Since we're on topic, I love anchors. I like what they're for, and what they represent. You know, like holding you up against the current; giving you strength to go against the grain. It also has an emotional value to me because at the because at the beginning of my relationship with Hubby I bought these identical keychains with anchors that we could both use without being too corny. (When the keychain broke, I took the anchor, tied it to a green ribbon and used it as a necklace)

So there you go. My anchor: Iron + Silence + Awareness = Mindfulness.

Well, at least that works for me. Now go find your own crutch! ;)