A float in doubting waters

I know this is probably not the best way to start a post so early in the year, but I've got to get this out so I can get over it. I'm not feeling at my best right now. Quite the reverse. I feel like a terrible--- you name it. Mom. Student. Me. However, my baby's love keeps me afloat. (That and my Hubbys and families and friends love, but that's not the point of this particular post)

Belle Fille has had a really bad rash for over a week now. She started with diarrhea, I suppose because I started to use this new spice in our food, a chili. And it's hurting her very much. I just feel so bad because it's my fault she's in pain. I should've been way more careful with her diet and even though I had been changing her diapers regularly, I should've done it more. She also caught a cold so between a sore nose and a sore bottom, Belle Fille is not in a nice place. At least she's getting better.

At school you remember I had some difficulty last semester, and now I can't seem to get the paperwork that goes behind it straight. I bet they must be tired of me at the school office since I've been calling so frecuently . I just can't seem to be able to do things right, it's like I finally have the chance to fix x but I forget about z but by then I've lost my chance and have to start all over again. I just... grrr.

As for me, I've been more forgetful than usual. I'm a scatterbrain at best, but I'm in danger of falling into an unconscious and irresponsible parent. For example, since Belle Fille has been sick, we took her to do these analisis but now I've lost them and we're taking her to the pediatrician today and need them. I haven't a clue as to where they are and since I'm not at home right now (trying to fix the college thing) my hubby will have to go look for them without the least idea of where to start. He has loads of work right now and can't spare the time to barely eat but he doesn't have a choice but to look because his dumb wife lost the darned papers. Some ideal helper I've been.

On a less important, but none the less frustrating note it's been called to my attention that some people have been talking ungraciously of me behind my back. Some of these comments have been from people who judge how I look but don't even know me, and it's been on my lack of fashion sense so, really, whatever. I know that I'm not a fashionista and I can definetly work on getting my clothes combinations better but I don't feel the need. I feel comfortable and pretty, but it doesn't seem to be enough anymore now that I'm married and have an "image" to maintain. Needless to say, my self esteem has taken a hit.

Other people, people close to me, have put into doubt my capacity or matureness as a mom. Yes, I'm young. Yes, I lack experience in many areas. I'm more of a laisser faire person, but ever since these comments that have repeated themselves came to my ears, I've been doubting if I've been careless of Belle Fille.

Usually when my baby falls down while walking I check she's if she's not really hurt, smile, but tell her she can get up by herself, that nothing happend. I don't make a fuss, and I believe that's encouraged and independent, self-sufficient personality in my child that I love and know will help her no matter her age. When Belle Fille catches a cold, which isn't every often, I tend to try and ride it out so that her inmune sistem has the time to strengthen itself. And it's worked out pretty well, until now.

I feel eyes on the back of my head, murmuring. That I've been careless, that I'm too wrapped up in my own little world of books and school to be a good mother. I know that people think I'm selfish of my time, that instead I should be giving it all to Belle Fille. I play with her every few hours. I read to her every day. I take her to the playground that's close to our house two or three times each week. But I also admit that I also let her play by herself for a while a few times everyday. Sometimes it's from lack of time or from excess things to do. But sometimes I just sit and read or write.

Why don't I use those spare minutes to play with her? Because she needs to learn to entertain herself. To have the capacity to be by herself, but not be necessarily lonely. I learned that the hard way, and so I want her to learn it the easy way, full of confidence and exploring but still feeling safe and secure, still feeling that I love her. In these moments of playing by herself, I do pay attention to her, I am available. If she comes to me and shows me what she's drawing or her toy, I'll receive her with open arms and talk to her and remind her the special, inteligent, wonderful person that she is. But then I'll gently let her carry on with her bussiness, and I'll do the same while still staying close and available.

I see the results already and am so happy to see that my child is not a frightened little girl that cries when she falls down (when she's not hurt for real) or when she isn't able to do something. If she falls she gets up. If she needs help, she comes to me, but leaves once I've shown her how to do what was causing her problems with a smile on her face. She'll come and hug me and give me a kiss one moment, then walk around to explore the house the next, and will come back to proudly show me her newest discovery with another kiss and another hug.

Yes I am young, but that doesn't mean that I do everything without a purpose, just to have some time to myself. I've got stuff I'm working on, and stuff I'm bad at, just like the rest of the world. But those prying eyes and poisonous tongues,will never, ever, be able to cloud the love I have for my daughter. Criticize my looks, my house keeping, my grades, but I disdain your attempts to begrudge me. The relationship and love my daughter and I share is far greater than that.

Just Look: Belle Fille and the Piñata

Piñatas

Belle Fille is singing dae dae dae right now ... She´s still hung over the holidays where she was able to hit piñatas and get the free sweets that´re inside. FYI, piñatas are a mexican tradition (but I think not exclusive to Mexico, I think some latinamerican countries also have them) that involves a flying object filled with sweets that kids hit with a long stick (usually an old broom handle) until they break it. Wanna see?

The song in spanish goes like this:

Dale dale dale

No pierdas el tino

porque si lo pierdes

pierdes el camino.

Ya le diste una

Ya le diste dos

Ya le diste tres

y tu tiempo se acabo.

The translation:

Hit it hit it hit

Don´t lose your aim

Because if you lose it

you wil lose your way.

You already hit it once

You already hit it twice

You already hit it three times

and your time is up.

Just Thanks you know?

It's that time of year again. Of good wishes, of lists, of dieting, of making plans for the next year... you name it. But instead I'll just talk a teeny tiny bit about my husband and my daughter.

I'm thankful for every kiss my Hubby gave me last year. For his smiles and hugs.

For each movie we watched together. Every coffee we shared. For my Amado.

I'm thankful for Belle Fille that came to be the cherry on top of my pie. For her giggles, for the wobble in her walk that starts to disappear as she gets older. For her soft fly away hair. For the way she calls to me, mama, mommy, mami...

And that's a start.

The First: Table Manners

As I was watching my baby daughter I decided that her motor skills might as well be challenged since they seem to be getting along pretty fine now. So I started to teach her how to use a fork. To keep things simple, we started with finely chopped sausages. At first I tried to teach her the correct, adult way to hold her little plastic fork, and she was cooperating but we ended up falling into the simpler, toddler way of holding the fork. She did really good, I’m so proud! Ho ho, I might be getting worked up about this little thing, but just this morning she used her fingers to eat everything.

For lunch I gave her an apple and went on my own business while she walked around the house eating it. But when I checked on her, the apple was gone. I asked her for it and she did know I was talking about the “apo” as she calls it, but I’m not sure she understood the word “where” when I asked her for it. I convinced her to help me find it: she followed me around the house while I looked for it. I just had to find the apple before I forgot about it. Until it started to rot under, I dunno, the couch. But it just refused to be found! It literally had me on my knees, trying all the places Belle Fille could reach. At that level, I looked for the fruit under the Christmas tree but it wasn’t there.

At least, it wasn’t under the tree. I think Bell Fille wanted to decorate the Christmas tree on her own, so she put the apple there, right in the middle of the lights and spheres. Can you believe it?

Probably not because I just came up with it

Have you ever heard about school lag? Probably not because I just came up with it.

School lag: period of time that comes directly after finishing a semester or course at an education center, (at whatever level) characterized by impending lazyness, sleeping in, occasional yawning and nearly permanent apathy. The suspected cause of these symptoms is to be mentally, and in more complicated cases, physically burnt out. The cure requires about two to five days (not just nights) of resting and sleeping.

See? School lag.

That is my present state, except that I still have to go to college to find our my grades for one more week, a beautiful babe to look after, and a home to keep when I am at home. Thus, my rehab isn’t exactly expedient rather than being drawn out.

Ha ha... Want something a bit more graphic? The breakfast dishes are still waiting to be washed, the house is a mess, I’ve got two little mountains of (folded, mind you) clothes needing ironing, the bed hasn’t been made yet (Belle Fille is still sleeping there) and I could continue this list but you get the idea.

Me? My hair is disheveled, I’m wearing a robe with little hearts on it and slippers and was reading in bed in middle of all this, until I realized that I’d better take advantage of my baby sleeping and blog. I’d sleep myself, but it wouldn’t be very restful because the idea of all the stuff I have to do would be nagging at the back of my mind the whole time. However, I don’t really feel like doing anything this very instant, so here I am. Thankfully, it’s like 10:30 or something so I don’t feel pressured just yet.

I made french toast today and stayed at the table reading this article while Belle Fille walked around her high chair in the kitchen. Then she suddenly stopped, turned around, came straight to me, and but her head on my lap.

Hey baby cakes, are you still hungry?

No.

Are you sleepy?

No.

I pick her up and hug her, and she snuggles up to me.

Do you love me?

No.

Do you want more strawberry milk?

No.

I sing to her, and rock her slightly. Kiss her head and ask

Did you know I love you?

She doesn’t answer. Instead, she seems to think about it for a few seconds, smiles and nods. She never spoke, but she told me

Yes.

Yay! I'm freeeee...!

Finally! FINALLY! I don't have to worry about school anymore, today I finished my last exam. I'll have to come to college for a other more week, but just to check out my grades and, be them as they may, for better or for worse, I can't do a single thing about them. I did what had to be done, and I can do so no more. Bliss!

I feel like it's been eons since I last had free time and was able to come here and tip some of my thoughts into the bloggy world. My head is so full, I think it would've been better to come here for a quick vent/refresh, but that sort of time was a luxury I couldn't afford. But here I am now. And it feels great!

Can you tell how incredibly relieved I feel? Ok I admit I'm very tired: my eyes burn from lack of sleep and I'm short of enthusiastic, not at all how I seem on print right now. But don't be mistaken. I am jumping up and down right now. Inside. My joy is an internal one, one of hope and peace.

No homework! No essays! No freakin' exams! And on the other hand, this is translated directly into more sleep, more time with my baby and my babe (coff coff, my hubby), more time to blog, to sleep,to read for leisure, to visit friends and family, to sleep... you get the picture.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my grammy today and so'll my big bro so I'll get to see him too. I just love coming over to visit my old nest. It's so warm and cozy and comfy... I don't have to make any kind of effort at all to keep up a facade. And especially, since my gram and family over there don't see Belle Fille nor me on a regular basis, when we can come over it's like a longed for reunion.

There's no schedual, no program... if I want to sleep, I can do so without worry because I know Belle Fille is being oooed and fawned over at by at least two people. If I'm hungry there's good food available, and even the chance of going out for taquitos. If I want or need a friendly ear, there are several well disposed.

No one is ever in a terrible hurry, no one ever EVER gives off offense, no one yells... You know what, let me give you a tour of my grams' home while I'm at it. It's so nice, I feel peace already just thinking about it.

From the outside, it looks like a wee little house, and when you come in and take a quick glance you realize it really is a small house. But when you look again the dinner table is big and if you squeeze together you can fit at least eight people comfortably. The living room is cozy and perfect for talking because there are no distractions like TV or stereo (those are upstairs) and there's a big window that takes up most of the wall so you don't feel cornered because you can see everything outside and it let's in large amounts of natural light to acentuate the pleasant tone of your conversation.

There's a single picture on the wall in the living room, impressionist, but moderate and completely intelligible. I think it's called "European Walk", and it's a single lane, or walk, lined on the left side by a couple of spaced vases with red and white, blowsy kind of flowers. The vases are on a thick, stone rail and beyond that, more to the left is a small pond with lilys and an old building in the back. To the right of the portrait is a garden, warm and green and inviting, with sunshine spilling out of the upmost leaves.

It's a little messy, a little wild, with leaves on the floor and swirling in the air. And a little lonely, a little secluded you know? If you ever needed time to yourself, or felt sad, or happy, or needed to be inspired, or reflect on a problem, or wanted to walk with that speacial someone, you would choose this walk. You can easily imagine Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy walking along here. And the lane goes on and on infinitely until the garden becomes a green blur and you can barely make out the vases with flowers but you know they're there, just out of your sight.

Hmmm... you know what, I can't do justice to my grams house without writting a lot more, but I don't have too much time on my hands, so I'm afraid I'll have to continue this post another time. It is well worth it.

Well, bye bye for now, and thanks for reading. I'll be back. Soon. And you know why? 'Cuz I'm on vacation!

Whoopee!!! ;)

PS: The pic that comes with this post is named Ophelia and the author is Arthur Hughes. It has nothing to do with my grammys' picture besides it being a picture as well. But I love it!

The mind. The heart.

You know the emotional ferris wheel? Well, I'm not at the bottom, but I'm pretty darn close. I am seriously tired. Not physically, though I just took a nap a little while ago. I'm just sluggish, especially at school. I really wish the semester was over already. Don't get me wrong though, you know how much I love my major, but the superavit I had when the semester was starting is finished. I'm getting burnt out.

I know I'll feel better tomorrow, but these will still be my feelings overall. Also, this won't really matter. I know me. My mind and my heart are close, but not necessarily married. Call me stoic, but it's actually very usefull. I helps me get up every morning, tune my temper, overcome my frustrations, think long term.

My juggling has been lacking lately. All around. To me you know. I hope to those around me it hasn't been noticeable. I don't really doubt it though.

I had tutoring today, school mandatory. And it really helped me land a few things I had fluttering around my head. For example, I like to think ahead to try and prepare you know? And if I don't, at least it's a conscious decision so I can't blame anyone. Anyhow, she talked about how in my major it's really important to speacialize when you graduate. However, you make this decision when you're close to finishing and you've learned enough about the major and about yourself to choose what you want to study, what you want to do.

It's common that you enter college with a very "clear" idea of what you want to do, and you end up doing something totally different, in the same field at most. So I don't need to add that weight to my sack, and I should just chill out more you know?

I'll try and do that more, I tend to excell at it hoho. My hubby also recommended it and my mind is ready to execute.

So I'll just keep smiling and walking forward. My heart will follow.

Talk to the shoe (pump's got attitude)

You know one of lifes' paradox, at least in my case? Shoes. I looove shoes. But I am so darn picky! Coming to look for shoes with me can tire anyone, especially my hubby who buys them.

What about these? Thay're nice.
Yeah... I nod, and keep walking.

Or these? Didn't you mention you wanted ones just like these the other day?
Well, they're very similar, but these have/don't have x.
But you can barely tell them apart.
I know. But still.

I smile apologetically, hug him, and keep walking. It'll probably take me three trips to the mall or its similar to find shoes I'd actually pay for. For example, when I bought my boots I had to drag my amado around shops for a whole weekend and I finally found them at this mall that's for shoes only and shaped like a square. Wanna try and guess in which store I finally found them? In the last freakin'one. If I'd gone right instead of left we would've gone home much, much sooner. And even then they weren't the boots, only we'd been in countless amount of stores and I was worried about exasperating my husband beyond buying me the darned things.



Did I mention I have to love them on sight? I can step into a store, take a quick look around, and if nothing perks my attention at once it won't at all so I'm outta there in three minutes flat most of the time. Tops. I cover a lot of ground that way.

Also, while I might be incredibly picky, I love to look at the shoes other women wear. I can't help it. My eyes are inevitably drawn to the floor to check them out. Mostly I wouldn't buy them either, but now and then I find a real looker and I secretly swoon to my husband who briefly looks the way I indicated, but now it's he is turn to keep walking.

And I'd like to finish this most with a personal issue. See, I couldn't of cared less about shoes, high heels in particular. That is, before I got pregnant. It was when I became an urban penguin and high heels were out of the question that I finally started to notice how pretty these kind of shoes were. But I couldn't wear them! It would frustrate me so much, that I vowed to myself that as soon as Belle Fille had been born and my shoe size became stable once again I would start to wear those funky things.

Except at school. High heels and public transportation do. not. mix.

5 Minutes in College: Maquiavelo

As you all know, I'm a university student so a lot of my thoughts revolve around that fact: be it a class, or homework assignment or these conferences I have to go to every semester in order not flunk that particular subject. Whatevs,the point is I thought you all might benefit from the dark circles under my eyes. I'll occasionally write about stuff I learn at school only digested so it's easy to understand and you don't end up sleep deprived like me.

In a nutshell, I hope you enjoy these five minutes in college.

Machiavelli

Today I'm going to talk about the largely (in my opinion) misunderstood Niccoló Maquiavelli. And no it is not an italian dish, he was an italian guy.

Now, (don´t quote me though) this dude lived between 1469 and 1527 in ancient Italy, only it was nothing like todays´ Italy because it wasn´t organized as a country yet. Rather, there were city-states in constant, ruthless war. It was just brutal: cities were sacked, women were raped, children were killed... the whole enchilada. This was how Machiavelli grew up. You can´t blame the man if he acquired a realistic and crude way to view life!

His two most important books were The Prince where he talks about all the stuff you should do in order to be a good prince like staying in power and, well, staying alive, and Discourses on the First Decade of Titus Livy where he now turns to the proper way to run a republic.

I read The Prince in high school for pleasure and studied and read half of the second book because of this subject at school called Social and Political Theory, or something to that effect ´cuz it´s in spanish. They´re both very practical books that in spite of being obviously outdated (when he says "eliminate" it is not a metaphor)it´s based on human nature. And we may have new gadgets, tecnology and all, but we´re just as good and bad as five hundred years ago, only our toys are much cooler.

We all feel jealousy and anger, passion, love. We´ve become more "civilized", but those instincts are still there, hidden in our subconscious. In fact, Hobson talks of this as Primitive Instincts and their translation into a more modern reality, for example

Nomad habit: the love of traveling
Spirit of adventure: modern hunting, competitive sports
The pleasure of fighting- war: dangerous gambling

See what I mean?

Ok, back to Machiavelli. Before this becomes more of an essay than it already is, I'll leave you with a couple quotes of Machiavelli so you can know him better by what he said and not only by what I wrote. With this these quotes I end these first five minutes in college. I hope you enjoyed it :)

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel. Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are."

"If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared."

"Since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved."

"There is no other way of guarding oneself against flattery than by letting men understand that they will not offend you by speaking the truth; but when everyone can tell you the truth, you lose their respect."

"When neither their property nor their honor is touched, the marjority of men live content."

The Prince

Quotes courtesy of readprint.com