martes, 13 de marzo de 2012

Episode

I cracked the other day. Just exploded. I'd been feeling very pressured a couple days before, but I thought I had it all together. I didn't though.

The morning started out fine, it being sunday we got ready to go to church as always, but I was running a bit late. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, when something just triggered this weird reaction. You see, Hubby was helping me sort out the laundry, and he was tossing it from the patio where it had been hung up to dry to our living room where we were going to fold it. But I was oblivious to this and passed by just in time for some clothing to hit me in the head.

I recolied and felt very upset for a few seconds but I still had a lot to do, so I went on my way and ignored the feeling. But as we got into the car and I wasn't in movement anymore I started to freak out. I felt suddenly extremely upset and a million different thoughts popped into my head. My breath quickened and my eyes started to tear up. I felt more anxious by the second.

I'd felt this way before and I had no intention of winding up in the same hole, so I and tried to calm myself down before it was too late. I fought to control my breathing and tried to empty my mind from the incoherent thoughts that were rushing into it. I bit a pen to keep my bottom lip from trembling, turned my head so Hubby wouldn't see my face, and braced myself.

It worked, to some extent. I didn't speak until I was sure I could trust my voice. It sounded off, but nothing that would draw attention to myself. We arrived at church and were almost through the door when I realized there were people inside. A lot of them. And even though I hadn't actually seen them yet, I just couldn't take the image of being surrounded by so many persons, pretending everything was ok. I stopped and told my Hubby that I couldn't go in there, that I was sorry.

Hubby had been walking ahead and he turned back to look at me. His expression was so confused. He asked me why, and why I'd waited until we practically had one foot inside church to tell him that. I only answered that it was complicated, and he must've realized how bad I really was because he didn't ask anymore questions and did as I'd asked.

After church I'd been planning on visiting a friend, and he started to drive Belle Fille and me there, only he parked a few blocks before to ask me, really ask me, if I was ok.

Tears started to spill one after the other as thoughts half formed in my mind at the same pace. I could no longer keep a straight face nor answer in an orderly manner. I'd been trying so hard to keep control of myself and thought I'd succeded. But I'd been wrong.

It took a while for Hubby to get all the frustration and sadness and anger out of me. I'd just closed up so much... even I was suprised at how much. Prudence and self control are very important to me as a person, though I don't really mind it when others lack these atributes. But in me, I just can't condone it. So I try very hard to remain always the same, no matter the context.

When I was a teen and even a child I hid most of my feelings from others but for a friend or two, and even then I'd downplay it. It wasn't very hard: everyone has their own problems and besides, I'm quite the actress. A smile was always my first reaction to a problem. I'd just pretend everything was ok you know? Even if it hurt me, it was the only way I knew to manage my problems. But as a wife I'd been trying to change and rely more on others, especially on hubby. And I thought I had. But I was wrong.

I thought I was over this. I thought I had opened myself up. But this short episode told me otherwise. I fool others so easily, even I was taken in. I feel like such a fraud. Worse. A fraud that didn't know she was a fraud.

4 comentarios:

  1. You are NOT a fraud. Do not ever say that. Life might seem to be getting harder day by day, it is not. It is you that must get harneded everyday. You must hang on. I really hope you are alright by the time you read this. You seem to be posting more often, yet and because of the lack of responses, i believe i am causing you discomfort with my comments as a sign of my enjoying of your writing.
    This will be the last one of my contributions, i hope i left the smallest, yet positive, mark on your life.
    Everybody has a tough season every once in a while. Do not let it get to you.
    Be happy. Enjoy life and never give up. You are a great, beautiful person. You will get as far as you want to. I know all of this for a fact.
    Final words.
    -Publius Enigma.

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    Respuestas
    1. No! Please don't do that! You have no idea how happy I am that you not only read what I write, but actually take the time to comment about it. It helps like you've no idea... It's funny that you think you cause me discomfort when your comments have encouraged me to write more often. I always read what you have to say with joy P, for real.

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  2. PS- I hope you will continue writing, as i will continue reading every morning.
    Cheers.

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    Respuestas
    1. Thanks P, I feel better already. And I'm counting on you! :)

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