Cracks on the sidewalk

I'm much, much better now. Feelings from the recent episode still linger in the air behind me, and though I could easily walk toward the direction of the wind as to leave the memory behind me, I'm not sure I want to. If at the time it happend I was suprised at its ocurring at all, I still haven't completely figured it out.

Though chameleon like to the world, I've always prided myself on knowing what was going on (at least consciously) inside of me. Whether I acted dumb or aware or not, whether I admited it to others outside myself or not, whether my reasons were real or imaginery, I knew. This time, however, I wholly did not, and that's what baffled me. I've been trying to make it out, without avail. The only reason that can explain this outburst is change.

Change is of course a constant in the world and in ourselves. Failure to take it into account can only result in error, as my case can ilustrate so well. I've changed. But to me, this goes a lot deeper. Because I don't think people change. I think people just show different sides of themselves to others depending on numerous factors and as to how well they know themselves. And only knowing oneself can one accept oneself.

I don't think my paradigm on life has changed, nor my priorities nor values. My actions will probably remain the same. This change is so deep yet so sutil, it'll be noticed like you notice the cracks on the sidewalk. But it'll be there, immutable. Just try and force the cracks on the cement back to their original form. You just can't.

A cracked sidewalk is still a sidewalk.

But would those new openings in the sidewalk have ever seen the light if the cement hadn't cracked? No. They would've remained hidden to everyone, even to the sidewalk itself. And yet again, no matter how many capricious formed cracks there are in the sidewalk, they all belong as a whole.

I lost my cool for a while the other day. I admit it. But is that part of me alien to me? Does it deserve to be rejected? No. And I will now abandon apologetics and rhetoric and metaphors and analogies and speak plainly.

That day, that part of me didn't need to be understood. It needed to be spoilt and embraced. I needed to be spoilt and embraced just because. Because I'm a person. With good and bad qualities, like you, like everyone. And I accept that. I accept that need that might be selfish and irrational, but it's still a part of me. And if I don't accept me and be nice to me, even when I don't "deserve it", then who the heck will?

I now walk forward but that Episode is no longer a shadow hovering around me, a stranger in my midst. It now wraps itself around me like a sweet comforting aroma, this new knowledge giving me a new dignity in the middle of all my imperfections.

The happy juggler

Hi there! I haven't written in a while, have I? Try and guess why... school! That's right, I've been in College for a month now, and I am so happy! I'm keeping it really light so I've only got a couple of classes, but you've no idea how much I enjoy them. The homework I could pass, but they're very interesting all in all. Learning about the foreign policy in Latin America and how Europe manages their business. Turns out I'm a bit rusty though, a few presentations haven't turned out as I would've liked, but I'm working on it. I also seemed to have forgotten the amount of reading my major involved but I'm back to reality now.

The first day back I sincerely felt like a newbie, not lost but a little nervous. When I got to my major's department there were only people I didn't know at all, and the person I was looking for was really busy so I had to wait a little bit. After a while, a known and friendly face finally appeared and I felt less awkward, until an inside joke made it's appearence and since I'd been gone for a while, I felt kinda left out.

Fortunetly, (or unfortunately, depends on your self esteem or hormones) the feeling wasn't anything new, so, though I felt a bit self-conscious, I reasoned that it wasn't necessarily intended to make me feel uncomfortable: I just haven't been around. Sure, they couldn've been more sensible towards me, but then again I was feeling a tad insecure before that already and probably took it the wrong way. I'm sure it wasn't badly meant.

Ok let's steer off those feelings a bit and continue to the big picture.

The point is I am glad to be studying again. Oh, and remember how I was a bit apprehensive about how this would affect my Belle Fille? I needn't have worried: she sleeps most of the morning, and she's such a darling she's no bother at all. Usually she's barely waking up by the time I come back from the university so that's really taken a load (no matter how imaginary) off my mind.

However, I've got to admit that besides school and my beautifull babe, I've got other responsabilities at home I haven't managed quite yet. For example, I'm way behind ironing and a few details of the sort, but, as a whole, I'm getting along acceptably. My hubby, my Amado, has been very supportive, as have been our relatives. In fact, we've been eating better than usual because my mother in law kindly helps us out with cooking a few times a week hoho :)

I've been tempted to lay off a few activities I was doing during my free time like studying japanese and french in order to get things done around the house, but they're so worth the time to me I don't want to abandon them. However, I've still got to do many other things. What to do? And so, tada! My handy, beautiful, black and white agenda saves the day! Besides practical it's pretty so I even enjoy taking it out to scribble homework assignments and stuff like "remember to do laundry". And once in a while, I get to write something like "dinner with Hubby at x restaurant, 8:00 pm" ;)

In a nutshell, I am so thankfull. Really. Everywhere, anywhere, no matter how I look at it, all I see are blessings. Thank you God, thank you so much!